Sasuke's Stinky Twisted Crackedup Day
by tomatoqueen
Summary: Sasuke has a really crappy day. It all started with a pancake on his head...
1. Chapter 1

**Ok! I know you may be really pissed at me because it takes me like months to update! See, the thing is looks around nervously I had SEVERE writers block both times! Actually, that's what im trying to get rid of right now! So until ... u-until... i-i-i...g-get... oh hell ill just say it and hope you cant read it.** **Sountiligetpassthiswriter'sblocktherewillbenomore30ways. ****starts shaking and then blurts out IM REALLY SORRY! Ok to get rid of the writers block I will write this,**

** Sasuke's Stinky Twisted Cracked Up Day**.

**Sasuke: Why am I always the victim of your most evil deeds?**

**Me: Because I like you, and im always evilest to the people I like most ... tough luck.**

**Sasuke: ...screw you...**

**Me: OK! Well lets get this show on the road!**

**WARNING: will be extremely weird as it is my imagination gone rampant.**

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Sasuke woke up that morning with a pancake on his head and knew it was going to be a really crappy day.

Suddenly a giant pterodactyl flew by his fancy-look-at-me-im-rich-bitch window eating turkey ramen and it didn't make him feel any better.

Before he could even make it to his fancy-look-at-me-im-rich-bitch bedroom door he was kidnapped by Kakashi in a panda suit.

"WHAT THE HELL!" he yelled after being spirited away to a bath house ruled by an evil...never mind wrong story. Lets try that again.

"WHAT THE HELL!" he yelled after being taken to an interrogation room.

"Sorry I have to question everyone in Konoha" he replied calmly.

Kakashi put on a no-nonsense face and shone the hanging lamp into Sasuke's face. "Now I'm going to ask you a serious question" he said looking intimidating for a guy in a panda suit. There was a pause and then, "_where are the jelly filled doughnuts?"_

Sasuke gave him a wtf face and kakashi sighed.

"Ok you're free to go AFTER you say goodbye...in dolphin..." and he proceeded to make a noise similar to when a wookie sees a mate.

Anther wtf face. Sasuke sighed "number one, you will NEVER get me to make that noise and number two I don't even know how."

"Easy. You know that sound people make when they have a really big turd that just won't come out? Make a noise like that."

"NO. Never will I make that noise... thing..."

Kakashi smirked evilly "I think I can convince you to do it...SEXY JUTSU!" The smoke cleared and there stood Sakura with no clothes on in a seductive pose.

"Pretty please Sasuke-kun?"

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**so whatja think now that you've seen what it's like inside my head?**

**Sasuke: CHIDORI!**

**Oh #$&! starts to run like hell **

**Quick! Save me and continue Sasuke's torture by clicking the purple review button! OW! GEEZ, HURRY UP THAT'S THE _PURPLE REVIEW BUTTON_, GOT IT?**


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi smirked evilly. "I think I can convince you to do it. SEXY NO JUTSU!" The smoke cleared and there stood Sakura with no clothes on in a seductive pose.

"Pretty please Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke convulsed forward in a knee-jerk reaction, one hand over his face to try and cover his nosebleed. This was ridiculous. This whole day was ridiculous. He performed some quick hand signs.

Kakashi saw what he was doing. The last thing Sasuke heard before he poofed away was his sensei in his panda costume, saying, "You can run but you can't hide….. The everlasting love panda will always find you…. Sasuke."

'Like hell' Sasuke thought to himself before he rematerialized- right on top of Naruto, who was apparently in the middle of a bath and wearing a flowery shower cap.

There was a moment of awkward silence, in which a rubber duck glided by in the bath water, a puff coming out of the cigarette held in its cheerful orange bill.

A sly grin slowly started to spread across Naruto's face, who was pinned down naked and wet under Sasuke's crossed legs.

"Didn't know you swung that way, teme. Of course I should have known you would never be able to resist my manly charms… Dattebayo!"

Sasuke gave him the chilliest glower he could manage, but the tick in his eye region was probably ruining the effect. "I am not gay, baka." He smirked. "But at least now I have proof that you are… and that your dick is small."

"It is not!-"

"I can see it, moron. It is."

"ARGH! That's it! I challenge you to a match to the death- whoever wins has the bigger penis!"

"No shit, dobe. The loser will be dead."

"You-!" But then Naruto's stomach gave off an ungodly rumble. "Teme! We will have a death-match over ramen! Let's go!"

Naruto moved faster than the speed of light, slipping from under Sasuke (who subsequently fell into the water with a splash, soaking his clothes) and grabbing a towel to wrap around his nudity before promptly capturing his wet rival and poofing to the ramen stand.

'What on earth does ramen have to do with a death match?' Sasuke wondered to himself, right as the shower capped teammate declared, "This match is instant-death! Whoever eats the most ramen wins!"

Sasuke didn't have a chance. Turns out the dead last had 8 stomachs, like a mutant cow.

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"I win Sasuke! Nihihihihihihi!" Naruto giggled like a rabid schoolgirl.

"Well Sasuke… It would seem Naruto is more of a man than you are." Panda-Kaka drawled from behind him. Sasuke startled. When had he….?

Just then a pterodactyl swooped past, regurgitating a pancake that smelled like turkey ramen onto his head.

"Hmph. Foolish little brother. The pancake never lies. You are not worthy to kick my butt and send me into everlasting hell. And you think you can rebuild the clan? Ha! No woman would want a man that refuses to serenade her with the sweet ruckus of dolphin-speak!" From under his pancake Sasuke saw Itachi had arrived with an entourage of weasels, their eyes glittering malignantly

A sniffle made itself known from the crowd that had amassed.

"It's true, Sasuke-kun. You can never find happiness with that stick stuck up your butt!" Sakura appeared. "If only you would let me get it out!" her eyes glinted through her tears as she snapped a latex glove on her left hand, slowly advancing.

Time suspended for a moment. Sasuke shifted backwards, preparing to flee.

"GET HIM!" the crowd roared.


	3. Chapter 3

Sasuke bolted upright in bed, sweating profusely. He went to leap free of the bed sheets but failed and crashed face first into the rock floor.

Stars dancing before his eyes, reality came back to him.

He wasn't in Konoha anymore.

There was never a pancake on his head, or a ramen-eating pterodactyl, or a panda-Kakashi interrogating him about jelly doughnuts and making inhuman noises.

There was never a naked Naruto, or a ramen-eating death match, or an Itachi claiming he was still foolish.

There was never a Sakura threatening to pull a stick out of his ass.

He was in Otogakure, under the mentorship of Orochimaru. He hadn't seen his old teammates in 2 years.

'Two years…. It really has been so long…' he thought to himself as he drifted asleep again.

Kabuto had a very good morning when he was ordered to wake the teenage boy up and found him passed out face down on the floor, legs still caught in sheets on the bed.

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**hey guys... I'm back from my three-year hiatus. **

**The last two chapters are probably very different from the first... This due to my long absence. Well, I suppose you could say I have matured.**

**Even so, I am working on a new story for Naruto now- it won't be humor, and the chapters will be longer. I wanted to finish this story and also This Pain before I upload it- I hate feeling like I have unfinished business. **

**Sasuke:... so you abandoned me.**

**me: NEVER! I was just... lazy?**

**Sasuke: apologize to your readers.**

**me: if any of you out there are actually those who read chapter 1 3 years ago and waited for it to be finished, I am sorry. **

**Reviews are appreciated.**


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